Skill 1 - Share Joy
Mutual amplification of joy through nonverbal facial expressions and voice tone conveys, “We are glad to be together.” This capacity allows us to bond and grow strong brains as well.
Skill 2 - Soothe Ourself
Lowering the energy level so we can rest after both joyful and upsetting emotions, as we need to and on our own, makes us feel stable. This self-soothing capacity is the strongest predictor of good mental health for the lifetime.
Skill 3 -Form Bonds for Two
The essence of a secure bond is the ability to synchronize our attachment centers so that we can move closer or farther apart at moments that satisfy us both. Synchronized attachment centers provide the basis for smooth transfer of brain skills and learned characteristics.
Skill 4 - Create Appreciation
High levels of the emotional state of appreciation closely match the healthy balanced state of the brain and nervous system. Creating a strong feeling of appreciation in yourself or others relieves unpleasant states and stress. Appreciation is very similar to the let down reflex that produces milk flow when nursing and the warm contented feeling that follows for mother and child.
Skill 5 - Form Family Bonds
Family bonds allow us to feel joy when we have a good relationship with each other. We experience what they feel and understand how they see.
Skill 6 - Identify Heart Values From Suffering
Everyone has issues that particularly hurt or bother him/her and always have been the way he/she is likely to get hurt. Looking at these lifelong issues helps identify the core values for each person’s unique identity. We hurt more as we care more. Because of how much pain our deepest values have caused, most people see these characteristics as liabilities not treasures.
Skill 7 - Tell Synchronized Stories
When our brain is well trained, our capacity is high and we are not triggered by the past, our whole brain works together. Telling stories in a way that requires all the brain to work together is a simple test of how our brain is working as well as a method to train the brain.
Skill 8 - Identify Maturity Levels
We need to know our ideal maturity level so we know if our development is impaired. Knowing our immediate maturity level from moment to moment lets us know if we have been triggered into reactivity by something that just happened or have encountered a “hole” in our development that needs remedial attention. Watching when our maturity level is slipping also tells us when emotional capacity has been drained in us or others.
Skill 9 - Take a Breather
Sustained closeness and trust requires us to stop and rest before people become overwhelmed and when they are tired. These short pauses to quiet and recharge take only seconds. Those who read the nonverbal cues and let others rest are rewarded with trust and love.
Skill 10 - Tell Nonverbal Stories
When we want to strengthen relationships, resolve conflicts, bridge generations or cultures we get much farther with the nonverbal parts of our stories than with words.
Skill 11 - Return to Joy from the Big Six Feelings
Although we live most of our lives in joy and peace we need to learn how to stay in relationship and quiet our distress when things go wrong. When we take good care of our relationships, even when we are upset, the upset does not last long or drive people away. We quickly resolve our “not glad to be together” moments.
Skill 12 - Recall the harmonious moment
Part of maintaining our relationships when we are upset is learning to act like the same person we were when we had joy to be together. A lack of training or bad examples causes us to damage or withdraw from the relationships we value when we get angry, afraid, sad, disgusted, ashamed or hopeless.
Skill 13 - See What God Sees
Hope and direction come from seeing situations, ourselves and others they way they were meant to be instead of only seeing what went wrong. This spiritual vision guides our training and restoration. Even forgiveness flows from seeing people’s purpose as more important than their malfunctions and makes us a restorative community instead of an accusing one. Through our hearts we see the spiritual vision God sees.
Skill 14 - Stop the Sark
This Greek word (also rendered sarx) refers to seeing life according to our view of who people are and how things should be. This conviction, that I know or can determine the right thing to do or be, is the opposite of heartsight in skill 13. For the sark, people become what they have done (the sum of their mistakes) or what we want them to become for us. Blame, accusations, condemnation, gossip, resentment, legalism, self-justification and self-righteousness are signs of the sark.
Skill 15 - Quiet Interactively
Facial cues, particularly of fear, help us to know when we are pushing others too hard. Sometimes we need and want to maintain a high-energy state without “going over the top,” like knowing when to stop tickling so it stays fun. Fast recognition and response to facial cues means optimum interactions and energy.
Skill 16 - Recognize High and Low Energy Response Styles
Many characteristic responses to emotions and relationships are strongly shaped by our tendency toward high or low energy reactions. Recognizing who tends to respond with high energy (adrenalin based emotions) and who would rather withdraw helps us match minds with others and bring more helpful variety to our own response tendencies.
Skill 17 - Identify Attachment Styles
How well we synchronize our attachments (Skill 3) early in life leaves the most enduring pattern in our personality. These patterns change the way we experience reality. At one end we may give almost no importance to our feelings or relationships and at the other we may feel hurt almost constantly and think of nothing but feelings and people. We may also become afraid of the very people we need. All these factors distort our reality but feel real to us at the time. Knowing how to spot these distortions helps us compensate.
Skill 18 - Intervene Where the Brain is Stuck
By recognizing the characteristic pain at each of the brain’s five levels we can pinpoint trouble and find a solution if someone gets stuck. The type of pain gives us a good idea of the kind of solution we will need when someone is not “keeping it together,” “falling apart,” or “stuck” as we commonly call these losses of synchronization.
Skill 19 - Recover From Complex Emotions
Once we can return to joy and act like ourselves with the six big negative feelings taken one at a time, we can begin to learn how to return to joy and act like ourselves when the six are combined in various combinations. Shame and anger combine to form humiliation. Fear and hopelessness (with almost any other feeling as well) form dread. These combination feelings can be very draining and difficult to quiet.
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